im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
