he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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