my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
