You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
