So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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