I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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