It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
