Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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