Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
