I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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