He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
