They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
