I will die if light touches me.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
