Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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