Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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