She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
