If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
