i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
