PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
