I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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