1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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