Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
