im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
