I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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