Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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