I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
