I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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