...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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