I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
