Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
