I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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