He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize