If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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