She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
