i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
