Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
it was like eating out sand paper
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Randomize
