I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
