When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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