shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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