Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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