I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
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I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
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Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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