if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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