I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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