She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
