oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
