Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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