God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
