just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
