non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
