I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
