wakey wakey hands off snakey
I think I died a long time ago.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
