I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
