We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
