Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
